This time next week, you will be a mother. You will be holding 3.3kgs of absolute perfection and 51cm of innocence. You will have just experienced what you now know to be a nightmare birth, yet you only rated it a 6/10 on the nightmare-delivery-stories scale. You will be sick for days and holding your newborn child will be almost impossible at times. But, you will do it. You have to do it. The smallest and most incredible person has just become your life's work, and besides, you've got a bit of time on your hands, why not use it to raise a child?
I know you're nervous about what's to come and I'm writing this letter to tell you this, you'll be amazing. How do I know this? Because I'm you - almost 11 months on from today. I know, weird concept right? I figure if people really believe that Kim Kardashian is comfortable in those leather outfits at 8 months pregnant, you can bend your mind to get through this letter.
Your newborn baby will soon become known as the Hedgehog. Your younger sister will name him this after she sees his shock of spikey and almost black hair. The name will stick long after he goes through that 'Bert Newton phase' and all of his hair falls out. It will grow back blonde and thick and he will look more like his Dad than you, lucky his Dad is so easy on the eye.
As you leave hospital and make that first trip home, you will see the world in a new light. Noises will sound louder, cars will seem faster, nights will seem longer and you will feel lonelier. I wish you wouldn't. Despite all of your fears, nobody is judging you. The friends that visit and gush over your baby aren't looking at your baby weight. Nobody is thinking that you might drop him, forget to change him, wonder when you will ever cook a meal again. The Governor doesn't expect you to keep a spotless home and look like a Stepford wife when he comes home in the afternoon. Despite all of your fears, everyone in your world is looking beyond your pony tailed hair (will you ever have time to use your GHD again) and unvacuumed floor and gazing directly at your beautiful little boy. So how about you stop vacuuming with the Hedgehog in the baby carrier, sit peacefully during the rare moments your child is asleep and be a little kinder to yourself? What's the worst that could happen?
This may come as a shock to you but... your baby won't share your love of sleep. It will be another seven months before the Hedgehog sleeps longer than 41 minutes at a time during the day (and even longer before he sleeps through the night). You will tell everyone you like it this way, that you can get more done in 41 minutes than you ever thought possible. You will shower, dress, do hair and make up at break neck speed and even unstack the dishwasher in 41 minutes. You will have a 20 minute power nap and a cup of tea in 41 minutes. You will spend all 41 minutes of every single nap thinking that today might be the day that he sleeps like other newborns sleep. It won't be. Believe me when I tell you that one day, your baby will sleep for 2 hours and 47 minutes and you will peek into his room to check he's breathing at least seven times during that sleep. After this, he will have long and lovely naps every day and you will finally exhale and admit that you've been running since the first day you arrived home from hospital. And for a few weeks, you will feel exhausted as this marathon of running finally catches up with you.
Exhaustion comes in many forms and the strongest incident of this will occur during the Hedgehog's six week growth spurt. It won't ever be as bad as this one week. You will cry a lot towards the end of this particular week. In fact, you will cry in a cafe in South Perth with a very special friend who has teenage children of her own. Listen to her when she says that being a new mum is hard and that you're doing an amazing job. Heed her words when she tells you that everyone feels like this regardless of how often they tell you that their baby is perfect (and starting piano lessons and learning Spanish soon too). Enjoy this coffee date as an hour later and you sit breastfeeding the Hedgehog on the banks of the Swan River, you will get a parking ticket and the Hedgehog will cry all the way home. But that will be the last of it, that will be the only moment that you genuinely think, "I can't do this".
You absolutely can do it and you absolutely are a lovely Mum.
I can't tell you when you will start to believe in yourself but it will happen. One day you will be brave enough to visit an art gallery and go for lunch afterwards, Hedgehog in tow. You will return to your pre-baby size and those J Brand jeans you bought just before you fell pregnant. You will love being a Mum and your baby will bring you more joy than you can ever imagine.
You have so many firsts ahead of you. You will never forget his first smile - ironically, it will be just seconds before he has his 8-week immunisation shots. His first laugh will melt your heart and make you smile every time you play it back on your iPhone. The first night he returns home to NSW and meets his Aunty CeeCee and sees his Aunty Mill and big cousin Tbot, will be incredible. He will smile the second he lays eyes on these special people and eat his first bowl of solids as you all sit at CeeCee's table and share a pizza.
You will capture so many firsts on your iPhone but don't forget that sometimes, your memory can record these moments too. Try to enjoy the many amazing moments without a camera or phone capturing the event. You won't have a camera when his gobbeldygook finally becomes, "Mumumumumum" or "Dadadadadada", yet you will remember these words as clearly as the moment he first says them.
Speaking of words, you will hear a lot of them. Advice will come at you thick and fast. You mightn't ask for it and often times, you don't actually need it. There will be times when 'Baby Love' just won't cut the mustard and when these times arrive, you know the friends who can help. One friend will be amazing and you will owe her a debt of gratitude when everything falls into place. You can't repay her for her endless texts and emails but you can pay it forward and help other and more new Mums when they need it. The first time you give a friend advice and it actually helps them, you will feel like you've made it. And you'll smile.
One more thing before I close, you know those enormous boobs you're sporting? Well they're about to get even bigger. Despite their size, you won't be able to breastfeed for quite as long as you have planned and that's okay. When the time is right and you bravely offer your baby a bottle of formula, you will cry. You will trade the long and difficult evening breastfeeds for a bottle feed and books. You will read and read and read to your baby and this special bond will live on far longer than you had ever planned to breastfeed. Believe me when I tell you that people in cafes are not looking at you when you offer your baby a bottle in public. Anyway who cares if they are! Over time you will realise that your baby was hungry for a lot longer than you realised and that moving him onto formula will be kinder to him than struggling with a small supply of breast milk.
Enjoy this final week before you drive to the hospital on Saturday morning. You are going to pack lots of things into your hospital bag. Please don't forget to take your self-confidence and strength. You will need both of them. You don't know it yet but you already have what you won't read about in all of those books you've been studying, you're taking a whole suitcase of unconditional love with you and as The Beatles sung, it really is all you need.
It's time to sign off now. It's Saturday night and believe it or not, the Hedgehog has been in bed for 2 hours and you have a date with your husband. It involves a cup of tea and a movie and you can't think of anywhere else you would rather be. Oh and it's your very first Mothers Day tomorrow. You are eagerly anticipating opening your gifts and secretly hope you're getting a pair of pajamas and slippers...
Happy Mothers Day to you and to all of the incredible Mothers that you've met and are yet to meet. You/we, are doing a great job.
Lots of love,
You xx
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| Me and the Hedgehog xx |
Beautiful words Leck! Happy mothers day xx Fi
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