What's that sound? Crickets chirping? Tumble weed blowing down a deserted street? Why isn't everyone clapping?
If you're happy and you know it, please come and have coffee with me. What's your secret? How ever did you manage to unlock the elusive door to happiness and step inside? What's it like in there anyway? Is the air fresher? Is the grass really greener? Tell me all about it, please!
People often ask themselves about the meaning of life. Why are we here? What's it all about? I've given up on that one, I'm prepared to wait it out and ask the big guy upstairs when I arrive at the Pearly Gates. In the meantime, the newest and most glaring question in my world is. Am I happy?
The past ten days have been spent in a whirlwind visit of driving around country NSW, numerous coffees with longtime friends and loved family members, revisiting my home town and all of the nostalgia that comes with it. The thing about spending time with the people you've known since childhood in the town where you lived those very special days, is that there's nowhere to hide from the little voices bubbling away inside of us. What did I want to be when I grew up? What kind of person did I hope I would turn out to be? Where would my life take me? Am I happy?
A conversation with my 16 year old self, the 'me' that seemed to follow me around this past 10 days, would go something like this:
16 yr old me: so did you go to the White House School of Design and become a fashion designer?
33 yr old me: No but I did find a less lucrative but fabulous career as an Executive Assistant for an accounting firm.
16 yr old me: riiiiiiight, well did you at least marry a Wallaby?
33 yr old me: No but I did marry the love of my life and he played Rugby when we were first dating! Anyway rugby players don't age well, cauliflower ears and all that.
16 yr old me: well I assume you've at least travelled the world, bought a big house, drive a fancy car, have 3 children and are just a bit rich?
33 yr old me: {insert mumbling something about realistic views of life and other nonsense adults say here}.
The flood of nostalgia of the past 10 days has been overwhelming. The time spent driving between destinations has been long and given me a chance to think (and think and think and think). One big thought bubble kept bubbling through my mind, am I where I'm supposed to be? Sadly Google maps couldn't answer this conundrum for me.
Amidst the chaos of life, the demands of our jobs and families and ourselves, we expect happiness and general internal peace. We spend our days working, exercising, socialising, cleaning, cooking, buying new things, driving, talking, ordering coffee, reading, blogging, planning, vacuuming, watching, waiting and everything else in between.
Somewhere in amongst the frenetic pace of life, we place expectations on ourselves to do more, be more and have more and to be happy in the process. I don't know about you but finding time to read a book seems impossible! Let alone finding the time to unlock the gates of happiness and step inside for a garden party (sorry - I just saw Gatsby and have been daydreaming myself a 1920s soiree ever since).
There's an internal conversation I have with myself almost always. It goes a bit like, "that's a great outfit but it would look better if you were skinner" or "I love our house but it would be better if we owned it" or "I love this movie but it would be better if I'd seen it at the movies".
After my little boy had joined the land of nods, I had a long candle lit bath (but the candle wasn't really bright enough and I wasn't sure about the scent - shhhhh! I'm not listening to you "but") and afterwards I took up residence on my couch with a cup of tea and a cluster of Smarties (but all the while I knew that 6 of my very good friends were all dining without me in Perth - I mean it "but" that's enough of you!). After I had watched Law & Order (a repeat episode... not technically a "but" but... oh come on!) I went to bed (but it was cold and I couldn't stop chastising myself for thinking of the 'b' word all night).
Argh! See what I mean?! Silencing my tendency to expect more from my life was virtually impossible last night. I gave it a go again today and yes, there were moments of "but" BUT you try and ignore the fact that... hang on, no really, I'm struggling to think of any "but" moments! Hooray! I'm cured! Well not exactly.
As I tossed and turned last night, I put a little shout out to the Facebook followers of this blog.
I received some beautiful replies.
Happiness is:
- Elusive - amen to that!
- A hug from your baby at the end of a stressful day - totally!
- Sitting around a campfire with friends and a guitar on the beach - absolutely!
- A good bottle of wine, good tunes, great mates, loving and supportive families and endless supplies of chocolate - take me there!
- A little girls giggle - always!
- Waking up to your baby laughing for the first time - what better start to the day could there be?!
Happiness is the little things.
Edwina McCauley! You solved the riddle and in doing so, you made my week!
It's occurred to me that happiness isn't a permanent and constant state of being. It's moments. It's asking the Hedgehog where his nose is and having him stick his finger right up his nostril, it's taking that first sip of tea as you stand bleary eyed in your kitchen in the morning, it's having dinner with your husband and going to see Gatsby afterwards because you can, it's singing your favourite song at the top of your lungs as you drive toward a three-day visit with your parents. Buddha himself could not feel permanently blissful and happy - content, maybe but happy? All the time? Nah.
Sitting at my dining table writing this post tonight, I called up my 16 year old self. We had a chat and it went like this...
16 yr old me: what? (don't you just love teenage girls?)
33 tr old me: listen. You know that diary you write in and all those dreams you have? Keep on writing and dreaming because you are on your way to a beautiful life. So what if you don't do everything on that big list of yours (incidentally, the sooner you outgrow your 'aggie' phase, the better). So what if you don't fulfill every ambition you carefully map out for your future. The truth is that your life will bring you incredible friends, take you to the most beautiful places, show you remarkable countries, introduce you to new ideas and give you the most beautiful memories. So go easy on yourself as you grow up. Wherever you end up, it's where you're meant to be.
16 yr old me: whatevs.
On that note readers, I'm off to find myself some happiness in the form of curling up on the couch and watching 'Silver Linings Playbook'.
Happy Friday night everyone - it's good to be back.
